Everyone who attends the All Souls’ service at St John’s Church in Alresford brings a flower to remember a loved one. During the service these are brought up to the altar where flower arrangers turn a bare pedestal into a colourful display called a bouquet of memories – a symbol of turning sadness into joy.
As with many churches across the diocese, All Souls’ is an important date in the calendar to welcome members of the church and community, to provide comfort and a space to remember loved ones. But the unique thing about our churches is that this care and welcome is not just confined to one day of the year – it is rooted in a compassionate ministry to the bereaved which is all year round.
Bereavement Support
At St John’s, the ‘Service of Comfort and Hope’ is one of many ways the church shows God’s love to the those in grief. It has a dedicated bereavement team who support people through funeral planning, through attending the funeral, and with support afterwards by being available to talk and listen when needed.
Kathryn Lockyer, co-ordinator of the bereavement team, said, “As a church, I think it’s something that we can offer, which has a spiritual side to it. There are a lot of organisations that offer bereavement support, but I think the church has that extra dimension. People often want something more spiritual when they’ve lost somebody, because they start thinking about life’s journey and the end of life.”
Sue Clarke is a member of the bereavement team. She said, “We hand out service sheets, we provide glasses of water, we provide a shoulder to cry on. If anybody is very distressed and tries to walk out, we will go with them and be with them. It’s a comfort to the people who are organising a funeral, that there’s somebody there that they know that they can talk to if they need to.”
Volunteers from the bereavement team visit a family to talk about arrangements for the funeral, the readings and hymns, what to expect and what the church can offer, providing a booklet with information and people to contact for help. After the service, names are put in a memorial book, and a member of the team will visit for as long as they are needed.
Katherine added, “We’re not counsellors so it’s being a friend. It’s sitting and listening and offering care. I think it’s important for us to care for other people and I think we’re called to do that. We are someone outside the family, someone they don’t know, and I think sometimes it gives them more freedom to talk about things that matter to them.”
At the back of the church, there is also a leaflet with a short reflection that people can use at home to remember a loved one perhaps on an anniversary, with readings, thoughts and a prayer. There are cards with poems and readings that can be picked up too.
Sue Clarke also runs a group for widows called ‘Looking Forward’. They meet for a meal each week at venues in the local area, with a trip to the theatre once a year, which can be difficult to do when you are on your own. It now has membership of around 44 women, both members of the church and those who are not.
She said, “I find it useful for myself because we’re all in the same boat, so we don’t have to explain ourselves. Family and friends, with the best of intentions, tend to ask, ‘what can I do to help you feel better?’ and there’s nothing anyone can do because you can’t bring my husband back but we’re all in the same place, we all understand that. We talk about our own experiences, but we also talk about other things as well, about holidays, about books, and we do a lot of laughing, which is good, because that isn’t easy either, when you’re newly bereaved.”
Sue continued, “I think death is something we don’t do as people who are English. You have the funeral, you keep the stiff upper lip and then everyone forgets but real life is not like that. It doesn’t matter whether it was very recently or whether it was a long time ago, every so often, something jumps out at you, and I think it’s important to have somewhere you can go and explain that.”
Compassionate Funeral Ministry
Sally Kerson is an LLM and parish administrator in the benefice of Ampfield, Chilworth and North Baddesley and has been taking funerals for 34 years. She says, “I think funerals are such an important part of church ministry because we meet people where they are, and we should value what we do for these people at this important time of their life.
“The church is always in the community so people know that there is support there and they can come back and speak to any of us. They know who we are and we give them our contact details, and we are there to support them during their journey of grief.”
Sally will contact a family who has been bereaved, visit and talk to them about the service, and reassure them: “When we go to the family to arrange a funeral service, we ask what they would like and very often we can tailor it to their needs. I’ve had some different requests including a family who wanted to have the coffin brought on a motorbike and sidecar and so that’s what we had. All the family came out to see it before the funeral service in church, and it was lovely.”
The church offers support to the bereaved in many ways. Sally added, “I think, in the church, we recognise that a funeral isn’t just for one day. We know that they’re hurting and there’s so much pain. Just after a funeral, people will visit them, but in six months and a year’s time when they’re still feeling that pain, the church is here, and the love of God is with them.”
Last weekend, the church held its All Souls Service with the names of all those who have died in the last year being remembered, and candles lit. This service is very much a result of the caring and committed funeral and bereavement ministry which is provided all year round.
For example, on the second Sunday of the month at All Saint’s church, an event is organised called ‘The Open Teapot’. It’s a chance for people who are alone to find fellowship over tea and cake. The Memory Box Foundation bring along boxes of memorabilia to encourage people to share their memories and remember loved ones. The church also runs a warm space on a Wednesday morning where people can find support.
Sally said, “We show God’s love in the way that we care. We care about the journey they’re making of grief, and we want to help them, and I think it’s a tremendous privilege to be with these families when they’re in such grief.
“I think it’s also important at a funeral service to bring out the joy of a person’s life. And that’s what I also try and do. I know it’s very sad, but there is joy in life and that should be spoken about. We had a funeral where the going out music was ‘I wanna be Bobby’s girl’ because his name was Bob and we were all singing and there can be that joy. It’s lovely to see people laugh.”
