Poignant Baby Loss Services Held Across the Diocese

Churches across the diocese have offered people affected by pregnancy loss or the death of a baby a space to reflect, remember and light candles for their little ones. Special services were held during Baby Loss Awareness Week which is led by the charity Sands, and concludes with a global ‘Wave of Light’ when families across the world light candles to remember babies who have sadly passed away. Here are how some of our churches held time to remember.

Beaulieu Abbey Church

The service held at Beaulieu Abbey Church “was just really gentle and quiet.” It was attended by parents and grandparents, some grieving recent losses and others from years ago.

Revd Catherine Cowie organised the first baby loss service at the church after her own heartbreaking experiences. A friend from college lost her baby just three days after she was born. Catherine had conducted a baptism for the newborn via video link during Covid. Attending a baby loss service last year at Winchester Cathedral, encouraged her to bring a similar service to the parish.

Revd Catherine said, “It was a chance to come together, to be together, to give to God that pain and that grief, whether it was a recent or historical loss. The service enabled them to really feel the emotion and give it to God and to be together with people who can understand.”

Candles were lit around the church and reflective music played on the piano. The service included a bible reading and moving poetry such as ‘Little Snowdrops’. Revd Catherine had been given the names of 12 babies to read out and remember at the service.

“The day I announced the service in church, I was given four names by the end of the morning. Some of those memories were from people in their late 80s from experiences when they were in their 20s and some people whose experiences were very recent.

“I didn’t give an address as such, but I just mentioned that sometimes there are no words. All we can do is come together, be together, be a support for one another and to be there on behalf of those who didn’t feel they could come but wanted us to pray for their loved one and light a candle in their memory.

“I lit four candles, one representing our grief, pain and loss, one representing courage, strength and bravery, one representing love, support, family and friends, and the fourth representing our babies, children and pregnancies and the special place they’ve always held in our hearts.”

The congregation were then invited to come and light a candle and place it on the altar while music played.  “People who sat next to each other started to chat about their experiences, so it was really gentle, lots of candles, dim light, beautiful music, and words of poetry and support. Some found it very emotional and a sacred ground to release what they were feeling. It was an opportunity to gather and be surrounded in support and held by God for a moment.”

Revd Catherine has received positive messages from people since the service who were grateful for the opportunity to remember. She’s planning to hold the service again next year.

“It’s trying to break that discomfort of not knowing what to say because what I’m hearing is that when people lose pregnancies and babies, having the opportunity to say their name, to light a candle, to sit next to somebody who can empathise is really special and important and fundamental for one’s well-being and opportunity for healing.”

St Michael and All Angels, Andover

The Parish of Andover held a service to coincide with the global Wave of Light. Revd Vanessa Cole said, “We were very aware that it would be quite a brave thing for people to come along. For some people coming to church can be quite difficult, but when you’ve lost a baby, everything’s very sensitive and very on edge. We wanted to keep the service as simple as possible and have a safe space for people to come and remember their loved ones.”

The service took place in candlelight. Everyone gathered at the font for an opening prayer and a reading of Psalm 139. They lit tea lights from the Easter candle as a sign of hope and some of those present shared stories of their grief and loss.

Revd Vanessa continued, “Kevin, who is a member of the staff team at Andover Parish spoke. He and his wife lost a baby at almost full term quite a few years ago, but he gave his story which was so powerful, particularly to hear from a man’s point of view, that sense of loss. I’d lost a baby very early on, and I told my story as well. So, people knew that they could come and talk to us if they wanted to.”

Everyone was given a flower cut out from sugar paper, on which they wrote their baby’s name. When placed in the font, it opened to create a beautiful and poignant display.

“Sometimes people just need to come the once, because their baby’s now been acknowledged, but for other people, it’s important to come back each year to keep remembering their child and to hear that your baby is known, and loved, and valued. There was such a sense of grace and peace in the church, and I think everybody felt that.”

Revd Vanessa said that after the service over tea and cake, “Everybody was lingering and chatting and seemed to feel comfortable in the space. They were able to share how they felt, possibly in ways they hadn’t been able to do before.”

“We had some people who’d come from the church, and it was interesting to see them talk to each other. They might have spoken briefly on a Sunday, but suddenly they had something very much in common, which brought them together.”

All Hallows, Whitchurch

An enquiry from a local resident led All Hallows at Whitchurch to hold their first baby loss service. The church notified local schools and nurseries and online community groups and 22 people came along to reflect and remember, both members of the congregation and people from the community who were not regular churchgoers.

The service was led by Revd Nicky Smallwood who is also the chaplain at Naomi House and Jacksplace hospices for children and young adults in Sutton Scotney. She has taken Remembering Services there for bereaved parents.

She said, “What was a surprise was that I was expecting young parents, but actually we had a 50 50 split between young mums or couples, and much older mums and couples, which was beautiful. I hadn’t thought how much the service could mean to older people as well, but maybe with their baby loss happening at a time when it was hardly acknowledged, perhaps an opportunity to gather and remember, was particularly poignant for them.”

The service included prayers, a bible reading, poems and three songs including one called ‘I will carry you’, the lyrics promising that God will carry us through the darkest grief. Gentle Taize music played before and after the service.

Revd Nicky added, “I used three verses from John 11, where Jesus wept with Mary and Martha in the crowd and we just reflected on coming alongside each other and Jesus coming alongside us and importance of just weeping together, especially when words fail us. I reflected on the words of the poem ‘Little Snowdrop’ as well, talking about love and the transcendent nature of love and the eternal connection that we have with people, through our love, after they’ve left us.”

Everyone was given a scratch art star to either write their baby’s name, a symbol that represented them or a message. Then, as music played, they hung the stars on a small tree on the altar and lit a tea light. The service finished with the music of the Lord’s My Shepherd and refreshments. People said they took comfort from the service, and it will be held again next year.

“I think it’s important for churches to do this to remind people that God cares for all children and babies and that they are not forgotten,” Revd Nicky continued. “I hope it is a comfort for parents to know that their children are now with God in heaven. It’s good for the church to join in with the local community, in raising awareness of pregnancy and baby loss by honouring the tiny lives lost too soon and for the Church to be able to offer their peaceful and reflective space, alongside pastoral care and support.”

At the end of the service each person was given a little bag of snowdrop bulbs to take home with them to plant.