This Friday is the Lesser Festival of The Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and during this season of Advent we are reminded of the story of Mary’s calling to bear God’s son and her obedience to this call, heard in her words to the Angel Gabriel: ‘Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word’ (Luke 1:37).
We spoke to three women in our diocese who have also responded with obedience to God’s call, all of them having been ordained deacon or priest in the past two years and who are also mothers to young children, and in doing so they have needed to juggle the demands of both ministry and motherhood.
Below, they have written powerful and moving testimonies about the joys, challenges, beauty and endurance of being a mum while training and ministering, to share their experiences and encourage those who wonder if they could do the same…
Revd Tammy Oliver
I was ordained a deacon earlier this year and it was a wonderful celebration of the journey I have been on so far. It was great to celebrate with friends and family and recognise that my being deaconed was made possible by all of these people around me supporting me and my family. This was especially the case since my now 5 and 2 year olds have been around throughout this journey and have been cared for by many of my friends and family as I trained.
I like to plan things. However, much like trying to plan for a baby, the discernment journey doesn’t always fit neatly into one’s timescales. There are various meetings, forms and interview panels that all need completing and can take differing lengths of time for each person. I started my discernment journey before having children, completed my pioneer panel while pregnant and went to a Bishops Advisory Panel with my 3 month old daughter. Now, in my idealised timeline I certainly hadn’t planned to be on my BAP with my 3 month old daughter, but I knew God had invited me on this journey so there I was. Everyone was very accommodating and it was all made possible, especially thanks to my ever so supportive husband who whisked my daughter in and out to feed. I started my training when my daughter was 18 months old and completed two years of training before my son was born. I took a year maternity leave before returning to complete my final year of training this year.
At my ordination I was overjoyed that alongside me there were many others with young families all committed to responding to God’s call at this particularly hectic time of their lives. Many of my fellow students had looked at me in disbelief that I was training for ordination with young children. It may not have been straightforward navigating motherhood, discernment and ordination training, but I hope it will be slightly more so for those coming after me. I am so very grateful to all those who have already gone before me and created family friendly policies and have paved the way making my journey possible. I hope I have added to that journey simply by being me, and I hope many others can do likewise because we need young female leaders in the church, we need their feminine approach to leadership, their wisdom from motherhood and we need women to know that regardless of their family situation they will be supported in their call to ordination.
For me, becoming a mother has certainly been the most transformational aspect of my identity. It’s where I have practiced sacrifice and putting the needs of others before my own the most. Parenthood has taught me lots about letting go and letting God and also provided the best opportunity to learn about existing in the chaos – a great skill for ministry!
On maternity leave I read Ronald Rolheiser’s book Domestic Monastery. He speaks of monks and nuns retreating from the world to become less selfish, more tender and more in tune with ‘the mild’ which they work towards through hours of prayer. Interestingly, he notes that parents with young children have the same opportunity of withdrawal, solitude and ‘the mild’ by the very nature of the demands for mildness from the children they are caring for. It strikes me that the wisdom of parenthood is something to be greatly prized, celebrated and drawn on.
So if anyone reading this is hearing God’s call to ordination and hopes to start a family or already has a young family, I would encourage you wholeheartedly that you can pursue both. Have conversations about all of your callings and don’t be afraid to ask. There are many ways to train and you and your family can find the best fit for you.
I can’t say it has been easy, but it has been possible.
Revd Helen May
Motherhood and ministry are completely intertwined in my story. I have never known what it is to be ordained and not be a mother.
We welcomed our first child into the world during my second year of training at St Mellitus College, in the midst of Covid-19. I was able to continue my training due to the online learning provision. Three weeks into motherhood, I was studying an ethics module and learning how to care for a tiny person, whilst also recovering physically from birth all on very limited sleep!
We returned to face-to-face learning in September of my third year, and that meant a long day away from our 5-month-old each week, expressing milk between lectures and relying on my amazing mum for childcare. Residential training weeks and weekends I brought baby and husband along to, having to balance my own learning alongside the needs of our little one.
I was ordained deacon in July 2022, and begun my curacy full time at St John’s, Hartley Wintney. I fell pregnant with our second child in September 2022 which meant navigating my first civic Remembrance service, first funerals, baptisms and the Christmas period with morning sickness and fatigue.
One of the hardest things I have found since being ordained is the pull between ministry and family life. I have to ensure good boundaries around time and space for my family, and yet the guilt about not being able to give all of myself to ministry, and the times I feel unable to match the input of my colleagues is tough. As the primary caregiver for our children (due to the nature of my husband’s job), I am responsible for wrestling tiny people out of the house each morning, for drop offs and pick ups, for packing bags and cooking dinner. Whilst they are in childcare I spend my time jumping through the hoops of IME training, learning all I can from my TI and colleagues and gaining as much experience as I can. And somewhere in that mix I am also meant to be caring for myself, having quiet time with God and ensuring I have enough in the well to give out to through ministry and to my family.
We welcomed baby number 2 in July 2023, and were blessed to be loved and looked after by our wonderful church family at St John’s. My ordination to priesthood was delayed to October 2023, and was held at St John’s rather than the cathedral. It was a joy to be ordained in such an intimate way, with my friends, family and colleagues alongside me.
As I processed into the service, our eldest was waiting for me at the front of the church with the rest of my family, tears in their eyes, asking for mummy. I scooped them into my arms and there they stayed for the whole service. Kneeling before God, receiving the Holy Spirit, being prayed for by friends and colleagues, receiving God’s word was all done holding our firstborn in my arms. We also baptised our new baby in my ordination service, thanking God for another life and welcoming them into the folds of His Church and family.
Reflecting on the service afterwards, God reminded me that just as I held our eldest in my arms, and claimed our youngest as Christ’s own through baptism, He also holds me in His arms and claims me as His own. He sees the highs and the lows, the juggles of finding the balance of ministry and family life. He knows the mental load of preparing for a service whilst packing snacks into a nappy bag and researching potty training methods. The late-night PCC meetings followed by the early toddler wake ups.
The beauty of motherhood and being a parent is to catch a glimpse of the joy God has for us, as His children. The reminder that God calls us to ministry as we are, whether that’s single, married, parents or not, and that each of these roles gives us empathy and a unique perspective. And the lesson I will continue to strive to learn is that while I hold my family and those I encounter through my ministry, God in turn holds me.
Revd Lorna Allez
In January of this year, we welcomed Esme into the world – and she has totally lit up our lives with joy. After being ordained a deacon in July 2022, I was nervous, and at times anxious, about how serving my curacy would look whilst being pregnant, and when returning after maternity leave. I had questions about how I would cope with the fatigue during pregnancy, how I would continue to breastfeed once I returned to work (as this was important to me), and how my role within the church would change as I still wanted to worship there whilst on leave.
However, I can honestly say my experience of all of this has been a really positive one. The staff team at Ascension Church Southampton, where I am a curate, took great care of me as I approached (waddled) into the Christmas season of 2022, making sure I took enough time to rest as well as do what needed to be done. After returning to work when Esme was 7 months old, my TI has been hugely supportive of me being at home for bedtimes, and working around the routine of the twice a day feeds we still have. The church has received Esme with joy, and in my coming back to work have been understanding of my levels of commitment to certain things (e.g. the times of day I am not available).
Having said all this, there have of course been challenges, the constant pull between two whole life vocations, motherhood and priesthood, and I have and am still learning how to hold the two together (and see them both in each other). Perhaps my most valuable learning has been around how to see motherhood in priesthood, and priesthood in motherhood, not trying to ‘do everything’ but focus on being and becoming the mother and the priest God has called me to be. I am learning since returning to work, to ask for what I need, to welcome interruptions, and to have my eyes open to God’s Spirit at work, whether that’s being up at 2am or presiding at His table.
In all of the juggle I have tried to remember these words: ‘Whatever you do, in word or in deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father, through him.’ (Colossians 3:17)
