All Saints Church Milford has been running a ‘Death and Life’ course, giving people a safe space to explore and discuss the practical, emotional and spiritual aspects of dying.
The meetings were adapted from the framework provided by the Bible Reading Fellowship course. All Saints also used the Church of England ‘Grave Talk’ cards – these cards raise thought provoking questions to help people feel more comfortable talking about death and dying. ‘Dying Matters’ leaflets from Hospice UK were also available covering issues such as getting organised before you die, talking with children and how to help someone who is grieving.
Revd Tasha Anderson, vicar of All Saints said, “As a society, particularly in Western culture, we struggle to talk about death or dying. It’s not something we find easy and as a church, we do have an older generation and we really want to support them in a safe place, being able to talk about death and dying. Last year, I delivered a course called ‘Living in the Third and Fourth Age’ which talked about the transition into later life and how we can still live life in all its fullness and we see that in the Bible. It’s often in the later seasons of life that God does his greatest work through someone. So, we felt this course was a good follow on from that. We’ve had around 40 people coming each week and we’ve seen week by week that the conversations have got richer and deeper.”
The course was held on six Wednesday afternoons in the church and involved members of the congregation and people from the community who wouldn’t normally attend a service. The afternoon comprised of a time of Bible study, practical talks, a chance to ask questions and the opportunity for people to talk, share and interact both in the large group and in smaller round the table discussions.
Among those taking part was 93 year old Sandy White who said, “I came here because I am elderly and it seemed to be the sort of course that could be useful. We’ve had a variety of speakers. What I found particularly helpful was what I should be doing in my own preparation towards the end of life. Simple things like telling the family where your will is kept and other matters that you ought to consider and I think it’s made having those conversations a bit easier. We are truly blessed to have this course.”
Rosie Bullman doesn’t normally attend church but came with a friend. She said, “It’s the best thing I’ve done, because it’s been challenging for me and made me think. We’ve explored lots of practical issues and lots of emotional issues that you often hide away from.”
Janet Nunn added, “It’s what church is all about, the people. At times it’s been a little bit sad and brought back memories, but I think everybody sharing their experiences has helped each one of us. I’ve learnt a lot doing this and I would come again and I’ve told other people who don’t normally come to church, and they would like to come too.”
The church welcomed guest speakers giving practical advice, including Susan Atkinson from the Diocesan Registry who talked about wills and power of attorney, a local funeral director explained his role, a representative from the local hospice and a retired GP shared her experience of talking about death and the challenges of trying to start conversations. Revd Tasha also explained the practicalities of a funeral service encouraging people to think about what they wanted for their own funeral service or how to organise one for a loved one.
There were also six weekly themes. Revd Tasha added, “We considered ‘Love’ in the first week, how love and death interweave together. The second theme was ‘Letting go’, that as we face our own mortality, dying and death there’s a need to let go. Then there was the theme of ‘Seeing’. It’s often as we face our own mortality, that our own perceptions change such as that fallout we had with someone years ago and that we may we need to reconcile that. Then ‘Growing’ so we don’t see death as the end, there is still opportunity for new life to be breathed and new opportunities to grow. Then, the importance of ‘Belonging’ and looking at who we have got around us. For us as Christians the key thing to remember is actually we belong in God’s family, we are his, our names are engraved on his hand so we hold to that. Our final theme is ‘hope’.”
Over the six weeks people have felt able to share their fears and worries. Mike Fitz-Gibbon said, “I came along to find out more about practicalities such as wills, lasting power of attorney and the whole course has been a learning curve really. There’s also been the spiritual aspect which I have enjoyed and being able to talk about subjects that you don’t normally talk about. Some of the group have had trouble with talking to their children about death and we have as well. This has helped because it’s good to talk to other people who have the same hopes and fears and to know that we’re not the only people wondering about it. It’s been brilliant.”
Gill Kemp added, “I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I think it’s just been very interesting, very informative, and fun as well. Revd Tasha has made it a wonderful course and things that I wouldn’t have thought about or talked about, I’ve actually talked with other people, including my other half, as we’ve never really properly discussed it. It’s something that you tend to avoid really and I still haven’t had those conversations with my parents but it’s something I think I’ll be prompted now to do. It’s been a bit of an impetus to have those conversations and just face reality. So, it’s been very helpful.”
Revd Tasha is supported by Annabel Taylor, who is Pastoral and Prayer lead at the church. She said, “It’s always good to do courses which involve the church and the community. It’s an opportunity for people in the church to invite neighbours along and it’s such an important issue and something that we will all face at different times and we’ve all had some experience already whether it be losing a younger or an older relative. It’s all very topical at the moment with the bill in government on assisted dying and there are lots of very important issues so hopefully we’re making it an easier subject to talk about and people will feel a bit more comfortable and maybe less fearful. For us as a church knowing that there is hope for a future and it’s not just the end is obviously key.”
The course finished with a time of prayer and the lighting of candles.
Revd Tasha said, “It’s been beautiful to see how conversations have blossomed and the depth of sharing. People have been really open about their own experiences of death and loss and been able to share that, not just in their small table group but as a whole group. I love trying to create interaction and participation because it’s not about speaking at people but it’s about journeying together and I would say we have truly journeyed together as a group and it’s bonded us in some ways. We hope the journey of this course has opened up communications, thoughts and reflections. We hope it brings healing, hope, reconciliation and confidence to talk to others and a confidence in our own eternity with Jesus.”
